I don't think you really realize the decisions you're making until you start seeing the consequences (be them good or bad). I guess it's just the clearest way of seeing what you need to change. Though, I do have to wonder how much of it is me and how much of it is simply the circumstances to which I am subjected. It would be nice, every now and then, to see the end result. But then, I suppose that wouldn't be any fun. No one in the movies ever decides to find out the day they're going to die (well, except for Back to the Future, but that doesn't count).
It's hard living in this world...in this flesh. We were made for something quite different. It's strange to perpetually feel "off", not at home. We'll never have this figured out, but honestly, do you want to? I think it's nice knowing I don't have to have this all down. There must be some comfort found in this constant state of frustration- some sort of beauty in the breakdown (to borrow from Ms. Frou Frou). It would really be nice to know the breaking point. My limit. Where can I push myself before I fall off the ledge? And if I go over, how far down before I hit bottom?
Growing up is hard. You never know where you stand. Do I need to call her Mrs. Wallace, or will Emily suffice? I suppose life just gets more complicated the longer you're in it. I wonder why though. Nothing new really changes. Maybe it's just my perspective. The good things though, get to be really good. I'll say that for sure. Before it was learning to drive. Now it's learning to share my life with someone who just really wants to be there. The bad things start to become less shocking. Not trying to be cynical, you just start to experience your share.
Sometimes I wish things didn't have to change. But you know, looking back on it...every time they did, it was always better on the other side. Looks like someone knows me better than I do. I've always wondered what angels think of us. To see a people who know the truth and yet act like we don't. I wonder if they're surprised. I guess by this point they're not. What does it truly mean to be different? I wonder what it will be like to no longer see men as trees walking. I wonder why it's so hard to be honest. I used to not care about hurting other people's feelings. Telling them something I thought they needed to hear was of the up most importance. Is it possible to cower down too much? When is it wisdom that comes with age? When is it fear of losing a friend? Why can't everything just be black and white?
Please just take this for what it is.
2 comments:
good thought. refreshing commentary.
So many times, you wake up and just feel off. For me, it's like I just want to feel normal again. But really what is this normal feeling that I crave but a time where I am neither concerned or agitated at something quite possibly inconsequential? Or a time where I can say nothing feels rotten in the State of Kim.
Fighting the flesh is constant and exhausting. So many times have I cried out to God and wondered what am I doing and where is it that He wants me. What to do about the situation at hand? The line of what is acceptable and what is truly repugnant seems to be an ever disputed boundary. As we age, attacks come from all sides and right and wrong is no longer black and white, but a polychromatic spree of possibilities, good and bad all with varying degrees of what you know to be true. The lines blur and in the aftermath, often you are left feeling a range of emotion from happy to puzzled or even broken, if you chose to cross that proverbial line.
When a friend makes a decision you disagree with, when do you voice this disapproval? When do you save the day and your friend from hurt, or sit in silent reproach? Painful as they may be, some mistakes are necessary growing pains. It's a fine line of telling them what we believe they need to hear and letting them make their own mistake. Especially when you don't know if you are even right. Honesty is the best policy, and the words, as difficult as they may be to swallow, will be noted, even just for a moment in the subconscious of the person. No one likes to be disagreed with or told that their awesome plan isn't going to work. But since you care, you have to say it, if it is important enough.
One thing is certain. Relationships get more and more complex as we age. There is no rule book and I don't know about you but some people still surprise the heck out of me, good and bad.
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