"What had I to look for if I lived? Is the world-this palace, this father, so much to lose? We have already had what would have been the best of our time. I must tell you something, Orual, which I never told to anyone...I have always-at least, ever since I can remember-had a kind of longing for death. Not that kind of longing. It was when I was happiest that I longed most. It was on happy days when we were up there on the hills, the three of us, with the wind and the sunshine...Do you remember? The color and the smell and looking across at the Grey Mountain in the distance?
And because it was so beautiful, it set me longing, always longing. Somewhere else there must be more of it. Everything seemed to be saying, Psyche come! But I couldn't come and I didn't know where I was to come to. It almost hurt me. I felt like a bird in a cage when the other birds of its kind are flying home.
Are these things so evil as they seemed? The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing-to reach the Mountain, to find the place where all the beauty came from...my country, the place where I ought to have been born. Do you think it all meant nothing, all the longing? The longing for home? For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back. All my life the god of the Mountain has been wooing me."
-Til We Have Faces, C.S. Lewis
If ever the day should come where I could adequately express my thoughts and feelings on this...
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