I had every intention of writing down some inspiring thoughts from last year and things to look forward to this year...but my time has been sold to the Man. Now it seems a little ridiculous and a tad out of fashion, so instead I'll commence with the following. You really just never know what's in store. Middle school Andrea wanted to be a cheerleader. Junior high Andrea wanted to be an actress. High school Andrea wanted to be a CEO at some fabulous company in New York. College Andrea wanted to be a wife. All of these Andrea's wanted a cat. I'm glad the last two came to fruition.
Most of these Andrea's didn't expect a husband, a house, an American address. Most of these Andrea's expected yearly friends, a higher paycheck, more frequent flier miles than imaginable, more photos in my book of places traveled, less relationships. You know God just has to smile sometimes when we make our "I'm going to be", "I want", "I'm going to do", "I'll never do" statements. How he must just smile and say "Child, don't underestimate me."
With age comes wisdom. Wisdom is really nothing more than roads traveled, or roads seen traveled, and lessons learned from them. Am I wise? I am twenty four years wise. One of the reasons I love sitting in our traditional service with 95% of my churches elderly demographic is the sense of history. I'm serious. I love sitting there with nothing but grandmothers and grandfathers around me thinking to myself what these people have seen. May I never limit myself or my future by my own insistence at how I know things should be.
One of the hardest things, for me, to grasp about Christianity is the very delicate tension. The overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and yet the never-ceasing knowledge that I must succeed. I hate to do this but it's like a quote from the most recent Harry Potter movie. Dumbledore looks to Harry and says "Once again, I must ask too much of you..." God doesn't ask too much...but it sometimes feels like it. Yes, I must love others more than myself. Yes, I must provide for the least of these as if I was providing for Christ himself. Yes, I must think before I speak. Yes, I must always be encouraging to those who hate me. Yes, I must stand there boldly when I want to hide. Yes, I must be ready to give an answer to anyone who asks. Yes, I must give everyone a reason to want to ask. Yes, I must be ready at every second of every day for Christ's return. Yes, I must do all these things and yet I can't. Enter: grace.
I love that I will never understand this here on earth and yet I am equally frustrated and disillusioned by this. Tension. I love knowing there is always something else I could be doing. Some way of bettering myself and the conditions/circumstances of those around me; yet I see no horizon to this ocean, no light at the end of this tunnel. Tension. I love knowing that no matter how much I have read/said/thought there is always something else to read/to say/to think. But how massive an undertaking. How long a marathon before me. Tension.
How do you view all this? I currently reside in the thought that I must only take one day at a time, lest the journey seem far to great and impossible a task. I'm living with the faith that God will truly works things out for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose. Our actions are such a vital role in all of this. Do you ever reach a point where you feel good about it? Or is this life suppose to always leave you with an empty feeling that no matter how hard you try...it's just not enough?
I guess my question is- where in your faith do you find contentment of your pursuit? Will there ever be that contentment as long as we're here? Because as hard as you try....couldn't you always try a little more? (Sorry this was really long and not necessarily cohesive. But you asked for it. This is a blog, not a dissertation ;) )
3 comments:
Ah, yes, tension (and release). I think I wrote a post in this vein a few months ago. Music teaches us a lot =) Lovely thoughts. Probably my favorite post of yours yet. Especially the part about the different Andrea's.
First, I think Mr. Bojangles would get stuck in that litter box but oh how funny that would be to watch...
Second, I think contentment is a stage we have to decide to be at. No matter what we do, how much we try, we can always find something that we could have done better. Dr. Rogers is probably one of the people I think of when I think about people who served God with all his heart here on earth and probably still could have sat on his death bed and said there was more I could have done. I always think of it like this, there will never be an end. We have life on earth, then eternal life. It will continue to go on. (it actually makes me tired thinking about it sometimes) But, the Bible says Be joyful always and pray continually. So, I think you continue on your road that God has given you with a joyful heart prayerfully minded that things may change at any moment. Like you said, it's not always what we expect but its better if we just give it a chance.
I like this post :)
Post a Comment